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Texas Hold 'em Jokes

As Texas Hold 'em Poker becomes more popular, people come up with more and more clever jokes! Here are some jokes for your amusement.

Top Five Reasons you are delusional about poker:

1) You think you’re ready for the WSOP because you won money in $5 SnGs all the time, dude!
2) You own a killer pair of sunglasses that would make Fossilman jealous.
3) You quote from Rounders whenever you can, especially if someone asks what your cards were. You always answer, “I’m sorry, John. I don’t remember.”
4) You own a minimum of twelve poker books. You’ve read at least two of them.
5) You wear your Party Poker hat and sunglasses to live $1/2 games.

A guy shows up at his Thursday night poker game with his bulldog. The dog jumps on on an empty seat and the guy buys him some chips.

As the dealer starts to pass the dog by, the guy says, "Hey, deal my dog in!" Everyone looks rather askance but they deal him in.

To everyone's surprise, the dog picks up the cards and begins to play! After a few hands one of the guys says, "Say, that's amazing! Your dog ought to be in the Guiness Book of Records!"

The dog owner says, "Nah, he sees too many flops and is a sucker for a check-raise."

Why didn’t the elephant like to play poker in the jungle?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

The regular Friday night poker game was going on when John lost $500 on a single hand, had a heart attack, and died. “Who’s going to tell his wife?” They drew cards, and Bill drew the low card. He knocked on John’s door and told his wife, “John lost $500 at poker tonight.”

She turns red and yells, “Tell that $#*^_^ to DROP DEAD!”

Bill walks away sheepishly and says, “I’ll tell him.”

How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza

Suzy walked into her living room and saw her brother playing poker with their dog. "Amazing!" she sputtered. "This must be the smartest dog in the history of the world!" "He's not so smart," her brother mumbled. "I've beaten him three out of five games so far."

New nickname for AK: Anna Kournikova. Looks great, but never wins.

Upon entering the Casino Poker Card Room, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "he's very sneaky and when you least expect it he gets ya. He slow plays pocket rockets like a pro."

A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him.

“Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush.”

I was playing poker with Tarot cards...I got a full house, and four people died.

Two rules for success in poker. First, never tell everything you know.

Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin'! He ain't playin' the cards I dealt him!”

What is the difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?

The large pizza can feed a family of four.

What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?

The dog will eventually stop whining.

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it!

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his angry wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

No wife can endure a gambling husband unless he's a steady winner.

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep." "You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars." "Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"

A doctor answers his phone at home on a Friday night. His colleague says, “We need an eighth player for poker.” The doctor replied, “Hold on. I’ll be there ASAP.” As he was grabbing his coat and keys, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “It sure is,” he said. “There are already seven other doctors there!”

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